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9:08 p.m. - July 23, 2002
Sad Memories of What Should've Been an Otherwise Happy Day
First off I would like to send Marlen and Rick a Happy Anniversary. We almost share a day:)

I can't believe that it has been 14 years. Where has time gone? It all started in May of 1985. I of Mark through friends, and he had dated my best friend's good friend. We had also gone to the same schools only he was 4 years ahead of me. My first year out of high school, I was working in the pay booth of a gas station. He'd come in there all the time to get gas but would send his friends in to pay. On one of his regular "fill ups" his friend came in and mentioned that his friend wanted to get to know me. Kind of difficult when you won't speak for yourself, don't you think? After I got off work that night I happened to see him on the road so I followed him home. How bold of me! Hey, a girl�s got to do what a girl�s got to do. I asked him out and the following weekend we went to San Francisco. That was such a fun night. From then on we were together all the time. About 6 months into dating I remember telling my friend that I knew he was "the one". After dating for a year we got our first apartment; yep I lived in sin, if that's what you want to call it. He asked me to marry him in August of 1996 and we planned our wedding for July 23, 1988.

Fast-forward 2 years. We're planning a huge wedding, 300 guests coming from all over. We had some people coming from Hong Kong, the East Coast and various parts of California. It's two weeks before the wedding and we are out grocery shopping when all of a sudden I have this serious, serious panic attack. I have no idea what is happening to me. At the time I didn't tell him about it. Later that day I'm sitting in our apartment when I feel this huge wave of panic come over me. As the days progress I get worse. I can't rationalize what is happening to me. I think it must be something inside telling me that I don't love him and shouldn't be marrying him. We end up staying with my parents for the remainder of the time before the wedding. At this point I can't eat, sleep, speak. Yes, I couldn't speak. I'd go to work only to sneak out and leave for the rest of the day. My dad calls Kaiser in a panic trying to get me into their psychiatric doctor who reluctantly writes me an Rx for Ativan and yells at me because she had to move her whole schedule around to get me in and all I'm having are pre-wedding jitters. Ah no, these aren't pre-wedding jitters, something serious is going on and I don't know what it is, you witch. During those two weeks I try to analyze over and over what is happening to me. I'm having these "feelings" and thoughts and yet I can't stand to let him out of my sight. I'm very clingy. Depression wasn't widely know about at the time. During all this Mark was doing his best to keep it together but he did break down a couple of times. This absolutely broke my heart. What was I doing to this man? My parents wanted me to call off the wedding if that's what I needed to do but something inside just couldn't. By this time my dress didn't fit because I had lost so much weight, my skin was gray and I really didn't care if anything went wrong. I forgot appointments with the minister and barely made the rehearsal dinner. I showed up in sweats. I was, needless to say, a major basket case.

My wedding day came and I went into what they now call a spontaneous remission. Mentally I was drained and I didn't nor couldn't put much thought into how I looked. I look back at pictures and I looked awful. My hair and makeup looked like a 3 year old did them. We got through the day and had an okay time but I feel that I was grossly robbed of the most important day of my life. When I look back all I remember is sadness and I feel a huge emptiness in my heart. Whenever I tell Mark how I feel he says that it's not important; that that day was just a drop in the bucket when it comes to the time we've been together. He's right, but I feel like I missed out on so much. All the planning and preparing should've been a happy time. That period in my life set the stage for what has become "my life". It's a battle every single day to wake up, live and love. I hurt so much and I feel that I have tainted the lives of those around me.

I know this was suppose to be a happy, celebratory and I'm sorry for bring anyone down. This is actually the first time that I've written about that time.

With Many tears and a heavy heart I can only hope that I haven't made his life as miserable as mine. I wish us a ??? 14th anniversary. They can only get better from here, right?

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