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9:11 a.m. - October 24, 2002
Pity Party
I've really been slacking off on my entries, haven't I? Sorry 'bout that. My hormones have been so out of whack lately. As I write this I await a call from Duke University's Women Health Department. I'm trying to find a doctor who can look at all of my history and not just "the now" and maybe guide me down a different path of recovery. All the other doctors I've seen are just too eager to scribble something on their little prescription pad and send me on my way. I want to know everything, Thyroid levels, all of them, estrogen, progesterone, oil, washer fluid and A/C. I'm sick and tired of feeling sick and tired and I don't want some doctor who's in a hurry to tell me that my libido is low because I don't spend enough time alone with my husband and to go check into the local Super 8 (We'll leave the light on for ya). That, my friends, ain't gonna cut it.

Moving on, I was talking to my dear friend Kel the other day. She's such a pain in my rear cause she's always there with the truth, as much as it hurts. This time it really hurt but I need to really listen and absorb what she's saying. I am not mommy material anymore. I'm 36, not in the best of mental health, I have 2 children that I'm struggling to raise, by no fault of their own, they're just kids, they're doing their job. My marriage is so/so, could be better, could be worse. There are so many reasons why I shouldn't have another child but I seem to want to tempt fate. I need to leave well enough alone. I've come to the realization that I'm not 26 anymore, neither is my body or my mind. This is going to take a while to get used to. My heart aches for what has been. I wish I could go back and slow the clock down and sit of the floor and play with my babies again. To hold them in the middle of the night while they nursed. To smell that little place on their heads that smelled like heaven and to lay with them on my chest. What an awesome time that was. A true gift from God. I was so anxious to see what they could do next that I didn't savor the moment as much as I should have. This makes me very sad. I can only hope that my memory won't fail me. That's all I've got.

Thanks Kelly, really. Mwah.

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