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10:33 a.m. - November 25, 2002
Blue Monday
I am really losing it. Actually I've been losing it for quite a while, it's just that it's now coming to a head. I can't go on feeling like this anymore. This irritability, terseness with everyone. The wanting to be alone all. the. time. Everyone gets under my skin, inlcuding the dog. He is constantly right behind my right foot. I'm out of control, my mind, my heart, my house. I can't get a grip on anything. I spent the most part of my weekend trying to clean my house and if you were to walk into it right now you'd say, under your breath of course (because I'd kick you) "Yeah right". I'll say it here like I have to my husband a bazillion times "I CAN'T DO IT", "I CAN'T DO IT", "I CAN'T DO IT". I don't know if he thinks I'm kidding or looking for attention or what. It takes me getting this upset before he'll get up off his ass and do anything and then it doesn't matter because I'm so pissed off. Too little too late, ya know? I asked him to go get the dresser from his moms, which he did, but instead of asking from help or bringing one of his nephews he drug the thing off the back of the truck and up the walk and brick steps. What the F*&^ is that? Mind you it's not an heirloom or anything but it's what we'll be using until he decides it's a good time to by another. Everything he does is half-assed, everything. He won't handle the bills, he says he's going to when... let me say, "when has come and gone" and he's still not doing it. He doesn't help around the house unless I blow a gasket then it's just enough to get me to shut up. And he says I have the problem. I sure as hell do. I have a real problem working my ass off every single day (at my real job) then coming home to try to keep the house presentable, which I never succeed at (because he's embarassed to have anyone over because it's always messy) only to get NO help from him and the kids. He says I have too much stuff. You would not believe what I have eliminated over the past few weeks. He's useless I tell, useless.

He tells me I need to get this all straight by this week, I think that was meant to be a threat to me that if I didn't get myself together he isn't going to GA for Thanksgiving. At this point, I really don't care. I don't care to do that drive especially with the tension as thick as it is. Plus, if I have to sit and listen to him get his little digs into me in front of my family, I would just rather not.

My heart feels like it's disentrigrating. I feel so hurt. I don't how long he and I can on staying together because our vows said so. I know he's unhappy, I KNOW I'm unhappy and our kids are too. We're hurting them by them seeing us act the way we do in front of them.

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