11:33 a.m. - January 20, 2003
I Can't Take This with an Addendum
I started this entry and got really involved and the power went out, for the third time this morning. Oh this only adds to my frustration. I was saying that I have become so pessimistic and so negative and so bored with my whole life that I just want to walk away from it all. I really don�t like being around my family, my husband in particular. My kids I can handle in small doses. The dog is about to become a doorstop. The only one I like to be around is Boo. He doesn�t ask for much more than a scratch behind the ears every once in a while. I feel like I�m dissolving into a puddle. I�m going to end up being one of those people who lived their whole life and never found happiness. I read about some of you who have these fulfilling, wonderful lives with husbands that you love with all your heart and soul and you give all that you�ve got to your children and your family. This was all I ever wanted. I never had high aspirations of being anything but a wife and mother. I have a beautiful home, two great kids, a husband who has put up with me and the horrible things I�ve said to him. I don�t come from a broken home; I have two parents who love my brothers and me more than life itself. I don�t ever remember witnessing my mom treat my dad the way that I treat DH. They did fight a lot, I remember that, but they always seemed to work it out or sweep it under the rug. I see a lot of both of my parents in me and I battle that every day of my life. Last night after listening to the kids whine about dinner I took it upon myself (because dh wasn�t going to lift a finger) to go and get them pizza. As I drive in the drive way I beep the horn a couple of times to get some help. No one comes out. I beep the horn again, no one comes out. I completely lost it at this point. I march into the house throw the stuff onto the kitchen table and tell them that if they want dinner they can get it themselves. The kids go running outside while dh sits on his butt watching the game. I shoot him an evil look, he ignores me and his attention goes back to the game. As the kids come in, O is panicked because the dog is out. "I don�t give a rip about the dog, let him find another home" I tell her. She starts to cry and goes out to find him. I�m getting more and more upset because I�m looking around and seeing what a wreck my house is. I start spewing things like �I�m sick of being here, I�m sick of all of you, and then I called my husband a name that I prefer not to repeat. I realized what I said after I said it and immediately felt horrible. Of course the kids were right there while this all transpired and that made me feel worse. I figured I�d better hang up my gloves and go to bed, I�d done enough damage for one evening. O came up and crawled into be with me and started to wimper. When I asked her what was on her mind she said �I hate when you guys fight like that�. My only response �that�s the way it�s always been, maybe it would be better if dad went to live somewhere else",and then I got to thinking about that. How sad that that�s the way it�s always been. We don�t know how to do it differently. How sad that my children are being subjected to two parents who don�t know how to show each other that they love each other�if they still do. I don�t know how my husband feels about anything since he�s never shared anything from within with me and that makes me even more frustrated. I HATE THAT HE WON'T TALK TO ME. He says that I�ll use it as ammunition against him, whatever that means. I really think my husband can�t think for himself. I�ve never heard anything come out of his mouth that hasn�t already been said by his mother or one of his sisters. They have always coddled him and it�s sickening. For once I would like to hear him say something that comes from his heart or his mind. He always turns things around and makes me the bad guy. He can never take the blame for anything. He still can�t admit that he�s still smoking even though I�ve caught him red handed. He just can�t say the words. I don�t get it. If I say something to him out of anger his response is "Ditto". How immature is that? This man is 41 and can't speak for hisself. I long to have an emotional conversation with him for once. Just as much as I'm sure he would love to have sex with me but why should I? I have had it up to my eyeballs with him and yet I don�t know what to do. I�m lost. I want to get counseling but it�s very expensive and when I mention it to him he says �If we can�t work out our problems how can a stranger�? He will not give me a divorce, he has already said that we will be together forever whether I like it or not. He just wants to be able to say �I�ve been married xx years�. They may not have been happy years but we�ve been married forever. I�m so tired, this is draining me. I can feel my brain imploding on itself. Sometimes I wish to just not wake up.
Addendum: I just got the results back from the biopsy done on my back, everything is perfectly clear and normal. I am breathing a huge sigh of relief.
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