3:18 p.m. - April 07, 2003
Regurgitation of Thougths
A big, BIG wet one for Mia. Right on the lips!!! Thank you.
I don't have much to talk about today. I think I said it all at the psych's office this morning. He started me on Wellbutrin in addition to the cocktail I already ingest daily. We'll see how that goes. He wants me to go for psychological testing which is a good thing, believe me.
I got out of bed yesterday at around noon, feeling like if maybe I could drag my arse to the shower and get going I might feel better. I felt better until DH and I started bickering then I justed wanted to crawl under the covers. I just wish I knew why I push him so much. One of these days he's gonna walk and I'm not going to have anyone to blame but ME. Lately I've been having dreams where I put him in very vulnerable positions (nothing kinky or sex related you sickos), just embarrassing for him. It's almost like I want him to feel in his gut the hurt that I have felt. Don't get me wrong, he's never done anything so awful to me that he'd need to be forgiven. No affairs, drugs, or anything like that, just little stuff that really, really bothered me. Argh, it's so hard for me to put my thoughts here and be selective at the same time. It's hard to express thoughts and thoughts that oneself doesn't understand either. I guess if he were to just once try to diffuse a situation instead of throwing fuel on it I might feel better. If he were to say, "I understand or I'm trying to understand how you're feeling", I wouldn't feel so tense and on edge. You know what I've been dying to do lately? Lay in bed with him and listen to him tell me some of his innermost feelings & thoughts. I'm sure most of you can say that you know your DH/SO from the inside out. I can't. He purposely doesn't tell me things because he thinks I'm going to use it against him. I hate that. I just want to talk with him. I want to be close to him and yet he feels that there is only one way to do that, and that downright pisses me off. I'm not making any sense here. I'm just throwing these things out as they come to mind. I guess it doesn't have to make sense to you though.
Gotta go.
Thanks again, Mia.
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