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6:56 p.m. - August 11, 2003
Does it get better?
Do you ever feel like it's just too much? Like you're a complete failure and probably won't go any further than you are right now? I've never been big on self-esteem, Mark reminds me of that quite often. Since I lost my job I have felt like a total loser. I've always wondered how I kept the jobs that I had for so long because I never felt smart enough or really knew enough. It was my personality that got me by and got me the advances and raises. I remember sitting in on meetings thinking to myself "I don't know what the hell these people are talking about". I know that the market really stinks right now, but I wonder that if and when I do land a job is it going to be just a matter of time before they learn how incompitent I am? Every once in a while my head starts to spin with worry about how the money is starting to run out, we don't have insurance, I need to find a job to get insurance to find a doctor to help me figure out just what is going on in my brain. Every day that I'm here at home not getting anything done because I can't stay on task, and I getting frustrated with the job hunt, and being lethargic and feeling sick all time makes me wonder. I'm on all these meds for depression and yet I'm still so down. My last doctor, the one who dumped me last week, was this far from diagnosing ADD and I truly believe that's what's going on. I get so angry at him for what he did. I'm still mad at former employer for not having the the whole story before they fired my butt. Aw, it's probably better, I don't want to be somewhere that I'm not wanted. I guess I should stop whinning because there are alot of people beside me with much worse going on. Kids are back at school, Matthew did a lot better than last year. He only cried from our house to school,but quickly got himself together. That kid breaks my heart. I just wanted to pick him up and hold him tight and make him feel better. I know oh to well the anxiety he was feeling. Olivia did wonderfully, I think she's past the first day jitters. Next year is middle school so we'll have to see how things go.
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