8:27 p.m. - August 20, 2003
DEPRESSION
You'd think that as many times as I've been through this that I'd know how to deal with it. I've only been dealing with depression and anxiety for about 15 years, it should be old hat. I'm not sure what exactly brought it on, there's so much that's been going on physically and emotionally over the past couple of weeks. First that dr. took me off of Risperdal cold turkey, then the kids went back to school (I think I'm experiencing the empty nest syndrome), my IBS has been flaring up probably because of the other stress. I've been premenstrual for what seems like a month and then these dizzy spells. I think my chiropractor hit a nerve in my neck the other day. It doesn't hurt hurt it just aches and everytime I go to stretch out on the floor I get so dizzy I can't stand up. My MIL, bless her heart, came and took the kids to school for me this morning then came back and cleaned my house. My chain of thought is really whacked right now too. I stress about finding or not finding a job, then about not having health insurance to pay for my meds or heaven forbid one of us has to go to the dr., I worry about Matthew because he's still crying every morning before school and I wonder if he's feeling as anxious as I do then I go on to how am I going to keep up with everything if I get really depressed. It's a horrible cycle. My arms start to tingle and my stomach starts to churn and then I get these awful "I'm never going to get better" thoughts. The thing that saves me (a little) is the fact that I'm taking enough anti-depressants and lithium to keep all of NYC stable. I know deep, deep down that I'll get through this period and everything will be fine, but being here right now is killing me. God don't give this to my children. I don't think I could bear to see them go through this.
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