8:57 p.m. - September 20, 2004
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I can't believe I just lost my whole entry. I love Boo dearly, but he just stepped on my mouse, highlighted all of the text and deleted it in one fell-swoop. I'd love to cuss and swear right now but it will do no good. Besides making my heart rate increase and my stress level climb I won't feel any better. He found the bag of catnip sitting up here and is now racing up and down the hall. It's amazing how loud an 11lb. cat can be.
I was moaning and groaning about my state of mind, body and soul lately. There's something seriously out of whack in me and I'm desperate to find out what it is. I've hooked up with a new psych. doctor who has prescribed another A/D that I don't feel is working any better than the other one I've been on for 4 years. She thinks there are issues that I haven't worked on or through which I need to address. I'm sure she's right. With all the deaths we've had, our financial chaos, our marriage chaos I'm sure it's all accumulated quite a bit. What bothers me most is my lack of ambition. I literally sleep my weekends away. When I finally do get out of bed I feel physically drained and can't focus on one task long enough to complete it. Mark is willing to help, but I just don't feel like doing anything. My house looks and smells like a barn that a tornado just spun through. Matthew has been sleeping on an unmade bed for weeks. Pappy has ruined our carpet upstairs but we lack the funds to rent the tools to put the new stuff in. My family is coming to visit in 2 weeks so I'm hoping that will snap me into gear, although I'm not banking on it.
I know we have to start with ourselves if we are ever to become anything or do anything with our lives/selves. How do you do that when you feel like you just can't? Frustration levels are running high. Mark has had it with me and me with him. We don't seperate because we can't afford to. So here are two people who will grow old and look back on their lives and say "Man, I should've gotten out when I was younger". I just pray that we can get to a point when we can finally work together and be happy. That seems so unattainable with me feeling the way I do. I look to the future and see a sorry, sad old lady.
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