10:29 a.m. - September 03, 2002
I'm a Mess
I'm so damn tired. Lately I haven't been getting very good sleep. I know part of the problem in our mattress but, we don't have an extra $1000 to shell out for a new one. I need a car first.
I feel as if I'm losing myself. I'm pushing everyone further and further away. I don't want to talk to anyone including Mark and the kids. Especially Mark and the kids. I so wish my insurance company would get their act together so that I can see someone. Not only am I making their life miserable but I can barely live with myself. I know I've spilled all this out before but it's a huge part of what I am right now. Not that I appreciate it in the least. I'm tired of making people feel like crap. I seem to have to get my digs in whenever I can then I'd like to punch myself after I say it. For instance, this morning Mark asked me for some money and all I had was $2 so I handed it to him only after I said "this should be enough for a pack of cigarettes, right?" Why did I have to say that? He knows that I know that he never quit but he refuses to let the kids in on his secret. What an ass I am sometimes. I'm constantly thinking about how unhappy I am in my marriage and family life and yet I know deep down that my marriage is not my problem. My thinking that my marriage is crumby is my problem. I don't know how to relate to my kids, O especially. My God, she's growing up and becoming a young lady and I long so much for her babyhood. It was so easy then.I find it hard to even talk to her and she wants my attention so much, what child doesn't. I carry a tremendous amount of guilt for feeling that way. It's easier with Matthew because...I think...he's a boy. He came and curled up on my lap last night and I miss that so much but I cuddled with him and enjoyed it. There's such a difference in boys and girls and how they relate to their parents. It's times like this, when I'm feeling so crappy about everything, that I wonder just how in the world can I justify having another child? I'm a mess.
Back to work.
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